Sometimes We Have to Remind People How to Play

A reflection for therapists, teachers, and caregivers

One of the things I didn’t expect when I first started supervising therapists was how often I would need to remind adults how to play with children.

Not because they don’t care. Not because they don’t want to connect. But because somewhere along the way, many of us learned that our role with children is to instruct, guide, correct, and manage behavior.

Play can start to feel like something separate from learning. Something extra. Something you do when the work is finished.

But when we work with children who are neurodivergent, play is not separate from learning. Play is often the doorway into it.

Learning Requires a Regulated Nervous System

We know something important about the brain and body. Learning happens most easily when a person feels safe, curious, and engaged. If a child feels overwhelmed, disconnected, or pressured, their nervous system shifts toward protection rather than exploration.

When that happens, the most important intervention is often not a prompt or a program. It’s connection. And connection often begins through play.

The First Step Is Not Leading

It’s Joining. One of the first things I remind new therapists is surprisingly simple. Before trying to redirect a child’s play… Join it.

If a child is spinning the wheels of a toy car, sit down and spin another wheel. If they are stacking blocks, start stacking too. If they are jumping, jump with them.

For many children who are neurodivergent, shared play does not begin with words. It begins with shared activity. When we enter their play world rather than pulling them out of it, we often see something important happen. They start to notice us.

Becoming Interesting (Without Taking Over)

Once you’ve joined the child’s activity, the next step is not to take control of the game. Instead, add small playful variations. Maybe the tower gets built a little taller. Maybe the block falls in slow motion. Maybe the toy car makes a ridiculous sound. Maybe you pause dramatically before the crash.

Children are naturally drawn to novelty, rhythm, and surprise. A small change can turn parallel play into shared play.

How Do We Know Play Is Working?

When connection begins to grow, you’ll often see small signals.

They might look like:

• the child glancing between you and the toy

• shared laughter

• handing you an object

• repeating a play routine

• imitating an action

• waiting for the next step in the game

• bringing you something to continue the activity

These moments may seem small, but they are not. They are the early building blocks of shared attention, communication, and social learning. When play is working, the child is not just tolerating your presence. They are including you in their experience.

Don’t Get Stuck on the Target

Sometimes therapists become understandably focused on specific targets. We want the child to request. We want the child to label. We want the child to respond to instructions. But if the learning targets aren’t working yet, it’s worth pausing and asking a different question:

Is the connection strong enough to support learning right now?

If something isn’t working, that’s information. Get curious. Get creative. Talk with the family. Learn together. The best ideas often come from the people who know the child best.

Sometimes the path to a learning goal isn’t more prompting. Sometimes it’s finding a way to make the experience more meaningful and enjoyable.

10 Ways to Play When You’re Not Sure What to Do

If you ever find yourself unsure how to engage, start simple. Here are ten easy ways to create shared play.

1. Build and Crash - Stack blocks, cups, or pillows and dramatically knock them down.

2. Chase and Freeze - Run together and occasionally freeze like statues.

3. Roll the Ball - Sit on the floor and roll a ball back and forth.

4. Bubble Anticipation - Blow bubbles, pause, and wait before blowing more.

5. Silly Sound Effects - Add exaggerated noises to toy cars, animals, or falling objects.

6. Copy the Child - Imitate what the child is doing. This often gets their attention quickly.

7. Hide and Reveal - Hide toys under a blanket or cup and reveal them with excitement.

8. Musical Play - Clap rhythms, tap drums, or sing simple repeated songs.

9. Pillow Crash Pad - Jump or fall safely into a pile of pillows.

10. Slow Motion Games - Move toys or bodies in exaggerated slow motion.

The goal isn’t to entertain. The goal is to create shared moments of curiosity and enjoyment.

The Truth Is, Many Adults Have Forgotten How to Play

Sometimes when I sit down with a new therapist, I can see it. They are trying to do everything “right.” They are thinking about prompting hierarchies. Data sheets. Program steps. All important things. But sometimes the most helpful thing I can say is simply: “Let’s just play with him for a minute.”

And when they do, something shifts. The child relaxes. The therapist relaxes. And suddenly the room feels different. More curious, joyful, and alive.

Children Learn From People Who Enjoy Being With Them

You don’t have to be perfect to play with a child. You don’t need elaborate toys. You don’t need the perfect activity. What matters most is your presence and curiosity.

Follow the child. Join their world. Add a little surprise. Pause and see what happens next.

Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer a child is not another instruction.

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer is simply: someone who enjoys being with them.

* This piece was originally published on Substack.